My First Episode!
Episode 1 Discipline
"If you have anger issues you can squeeze it all out on your meatballs"
_"JoAnn From Bensonhurst"
Series Premier Jan 9th 2012
JoAnn is a real housewife from Bensonhurst Brooklyn who tells it like it is. She has built a following with her Fox Channel Five New York "City Rants" since February 2011 on the ten o'clock news and myfoxny.com. "JoAnn From Bensonhurst" Debut's Monday Jan 9th and a new episode will be available each week. Make sure to Subscribe to The Cafe Mom Channel on You tube to stay updated!
_"New Years Resolutions should be called New Years Procrastinations..." 2 Unappreciated Gifts "...I bought her a case of toilet paper when she opened this box she looked stunned she was baffled; stunned; she wanted to say what do I do with it, but the gift told her what she could do with that gift..." 3 Illegal Driveways "It's called Illegal curb cuts" "This is called urban blight" 4 Latest Rant: Pink Fire Hydrant "To me it looks like a bidet in the middle of the street..." 5 The Kardashians "You can train a dog in 72 days, never a husband..." "I don't get the reality of your reality." 1 Designer Kitchens "The housewives of New York they don't even know what kitchen is they're rich and they don't cook..." "Gimme a match a piece of wood and I'll make you some sauce..." 2 Parking Meters "Now I find out it's only 15 minutes for a quarter..." "...You gotta put half your paycheck in the meter..." 3 Sons Who Don't Really Leave "Ma, I wanna invite you over for dinner... you're gonna cook in your house and bring it here..." "...Mamma's Meals on wheels." 4 Food Safety "Everything you eat is gonna kill you." "Barbecued Pigeon, why would I wanna eat a bird that's in the rodent family... a flying rodent." 5 Wedded Bliss "Women's brains are in their heads; men's brains are up their a#@..." "All of us who are in marriages should be institutionalized." 6 Beauty Salon "Barbara Bush was my age when she was in the White House. I don't wanna look like Barbara Bush." "I pay for this torture!" "Its no joke trying to be beautiful when you look like an old lady." 7 Recycling "The day before recycling its like the March of 'The Wooden Soldiers...'" "...California... Gold Rush." 8 Nude Beach "You can't smoke on the beach, but you can be naked on the beach..." "...Go to Fire Island, but don't go to Coney Island..." ..."The Naked Wonder Wheel." "Naked hot-dog eating contest..." Walk past Mayor Bloomberg's house, see if he likes it..." 9 Chewing Gum on Sidewalk "Streets paved with gold... You don't find gold you find gum..." 10 Same Sex Marriage "You're in a happy gay relationship... The minute you say I do, he won't" "... the divorce lawyers they're gonna have their own (gay) pride parade" "I wish I was gay so I could be happy" "...they want you to be as miserable as us." 1 Diplomats' Parking Tickets "... They can run your grandmother over with a walker..." "They're used to riding camels and leaving it wherever they want..." "I know when I was immunized I got no shot for diplomatic immunity." 2 Lindsay Lohan"... She did the crime she should pay it with her time." "I'd slap you right across your face." "I'm under house arrest and I committed no crime!... The crime I commited was when I got married... I'm doin a life sentence here." 3 Anthony Weiner "...Here's a wiener for you, Weiner." "...I bet she could pick his wiener out of a lineup..." 4 Body Shapers "...I felt like a sausage in casing..." "God forbid you have to go the bathroom..." "if they don't like your rolls, go to a different bakery..." "I look like a model now.... but can I breathe, no!" "Be fat and happy!" "I think I just ruptured a spleen here..." 5 Self Service Checkout "...The machines are takin over!" "It don't fit in the bag, dope!" "How many times I gotta swipe the card!" They should pay me for doin this!" 6 Arnold Schwarzenegger "Sperminator, what the hell were you thinking?" "...Pumping iron instead of humping the maid..." "She saw gold coming out of his sperminator" "I wish my husband would cheat on me with the housekeeper, because I am the housekeeper" 7 High Gas Prices "...Maybe your pumps on the wrong side buddy!" "I'm being held up by a pump." "...So I'm getting charged 10 cents more a gallon to use a credit card!.." I'm gonna get a rickshaw because 1.3billion people in this world can't be wrong..." 8 Cheap Umbrellas "... Now I'm fu#9-ng soaked!" "...This is a fake Louis Vuitton, I hope I don't get arrested for it..." "...Id put one in his eye and one in his a$$... "Cousin It I should be on the Adams Family" "If Mary Poppins had this, she'd have a lot of F838ing trouble..." 9 Osama Bin Laden "It's an eye for an eye" "Everything's gotta be politically correct" " With all these people suffering here in NY with the World Trade Center" "He's infecting our sea-life" "A Bin-Laden... two shots and a splash... I'll have a double." 10 Ticket Blitz "...we're gonna get tickets for breathing soon... it's a ticket blitz...$50million in ticket revenue, "...Bloomberg, I'd like to give him a few tickets..." 1 JoAnn From Bensonhurst (First Rant) "I'm the Real housewife." "I wanna see Mayor Bloomberg come here and shovel this." "A housewife is a woman who stays home and caters to her family... I'm the one the only one that does that anymore." "The magic fairy comes and stuff your refrigerator with food." "This is what you're supposed to hang on a clothesline, not dead fish..." "What do I gotta be on $h8t patrol every day?" "These are real!" 2 JoAnn's Bout with the Mayor "I don't like that you (Mayor Bloomberg) put down the Irish" "I think you drink botox" "Comedians... Jay Leno, the other guy with the red hair" "...I'm very worried about the economy... the rents are out of control..." "I got the job of my dreams, a housewife." "The only thing he washes is his a$$, and if I could do that for him too..." 3 Jo-Ann on the Water Bills "They're fu&*(ng robbing me" "Free should be coming out of your sink" "You're not the king of Siam..." "Some day we're gonna have to have a family shower..."You can't take a shower, you can't take a sh#*...Soon we'll be charged for air..." 4 Jo-Ann Vs. The Grocery Store "I shoulda still been breastfeeding..." "Go milk him yourself... then i realized I don't have grass, how am I gonna feed the cow?" "I gotta get a chicken too" "it's a luxury to have egg-salad today..." "Breast-milk... it's gonna be cheaper than cows-milk." 5 JoAnn VS the Filthy Subways "Enter at your own risk, the New York Sewer System..." "Filth..." "I want to look at the rats on the tracks" "They can put a man on the moon but they can't clean a train..." "Germs and filth... and you want more money... you gotta pay me to get on a train..." 6 JoAnn vs. The Electric Bill "I got a $700 electric bill..." "I gotta see if my son can marry someone related to the Con-Edison Family..." "I'm getting like a crazy old lady thats cooking in the dark" I'm gonna get myself a pair of night vision goggles" "I even shower with the lights off... I know where everything is, I don't have to guess where my parts are..." 7 Joann VS. Texting "Texting while they're driving, that should be a felony offense" "Soon blind people can drive better than people can text." If they're texting on the toilet their fu#($ng phone should fall into the toilet bowl" "Condom of the future, sexting on the phone." 8 JoAnn VS Spaghetti Brawlers "I ain't getting on that subway... you get goosed, pinched, throwed up on, spit up on, sneezed on... meatballs flying in the air, spaghetti on the floor..." "What are you the etiquette lady. you got no etiquette, you got no couth for yellin and calling them animals, you're an animal..." "If you didn't have your bodyguard mike tyson blocking for you a good samaritan... you'd be calling 1800 Dentist" 10 JoAnn VS Parking "In some neighborhoods peopple try to use garbage pails to hold spots, in this neighborhood they'll take the garbage pail put it in the car and take the spot..." "I got a car back here it's not a helecoptor, it's not a plane it doesnt fly up, it's gotta pull out just like yours..." "...you gotta park on the roof, where the fu%& else you gonna park these cars?"11 JoAnn VS Maiden Names "It's an honor to take your husband's name... keep a tradition..." "You can take his money but you wont take his name, you'll take his blood once you fu$(*ng leave him, but you won't take his name.""My friend John LaMond on the radio station 106.5 posts my Rants!!!! He's the greatest!!!"
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